No Africa Just you
by NamelessDudette
Summary: Continuation from 'To Africa without you'. One-shot Rizzles. Jane faces her fears and Maura hears her. I do not own Rizzoli and Isles nor wish to incur any legal ramifications. I thank thee if you may be reading this :)


You just sit there.

You just sit there and stare.

You just sit there, hands in your hair and stare.

* * *

If I blink, it'll be tears I blink away.

I close my eyes.

Tears flow anyway.

I take a deep breath. I stand, to go.

To her.

Not away.

She's right.

I am a coward and I am afraid. I may be a coward but no, I won't let her walk away.

I won't let her just walk away.

She deserves to know.

Even if I have already lost her, she still deserves to know.

That I love her, but I am very very much afraid.

I stand to go, to her.

"Maura?" I ask through the bedroom door.

Silence.

My semblance of courage unravels.

"Maura?" My voice breaks.

I feel faint and my knees go weak. I press my fingers to the bridge of my nose. Tears threatening to flow. I let go out of the breath I didn't even know I had hold.

"Maura? Please."

I close my eyes and lean on her bedroom door.

I keep my eyes close and focus on the sturdy bedroom door.

"Please Maura," I've crumbled against her bedroom door, "Maura please."

I plead.

It's my only plea.

My hands are on wood. My skin touching nothing but wood.

So cold.

I'm trying to sink through the door. I'm sinking into the floor.

"Jane." I hear her voice, I hear her voice through the bedroom door.

"Maura?" I think that I hear her.

"I can see your shadow on the floor Jane. Please stop leaning on the door. I'm opening it soon."

I hear words but I do not register them all.

The door opens.

My hands hit the floor.

"Jane," she helps me up, "I told you to stop leaning on the door."

She props me against the door frame.

She sits to lean against the open door.

I see that she's been crying.

Her nose is pink and her cheeks are stained with tears drying.

I see that she's been crying and my heart continues breaking.

"Maura, thank you for opening the door."

She nods.

She says no more.

"I'm sorry Maura. I'm sorry for being afraid, I'm sorry for letting you walk away," I wait a beat for her to look at me, "I'm sorry Maura."

Her eyes.

They do not smile.

Her eyes.

Watery wells.

"Is there anything else Jane?," she closes her eyes, she looks away, "it's late."

I take a breath. I am afraid, but for her, I can be brave. I take a breath.

"I'm afraid that all I'll ever do is hurt you, that all I'll be is danger to you Maura. You fixed my nose, you mind my body, you care for my family and you stop my scars from just being scars," I hold my hands, I touch the raised flesh on the back of my hands, "but I'm afraid all I'll ever do is hurt you Maura, that all I'll be is danger to you."

I look down at my hands.

"They're so empty without you Maura. My heart and my hands," I look to her, "I'm so empty without you."

Her hands find mine.

I do not let go.

"I don't know how to be detective Rizzoli and be with you Maura," I hold on tight, afraid she'll let go, "I envy superheroes Maura. I hold them in envy because they have secret identities. They can protect the world, they can protect the people they love and when the disguises come off, they can still protect the one they love. And I'm so afraid of losing you Maura. I'm so afraid that one day I'll be too slow, too careless, too late and." I cannot bring myself to say it.

"When Hoyt," my breath catches, "when Hoyt nearly," I close my eyes and I feel her hands; warm, real. She's here, she's okay.

She pulls me closer, and holds me.

I thank her and I thank her.

"You need to let it out Jane," she pulls me in even closer, "you keep too much inside."

I close my eyes. I take in a lungful of air.

"When Hoyt set that taser on you, when he towered over you and wanted to hurt you, I had never been more afraid. I had never been more afraid of losing anybody Maura. I have never been more afraid of losing someone like I fear losing you Maura. All I could think of then was no, no, no Maura no, no and no and what if I had been too slow, too late that day? What if I had lost you that day? What if I had lost you that day or even tomorrow. What if I ever lose you Maura?" Tears. I taste the salt and I feel the fear.

"What if I had been too slow, what if I had said the wrong thing to Dennis that day Maura? What if you had fallen down the elevator shaft with him. What if I had to walk away that day, without you by me. What if a car comes at you again. What if I never hear your laugh or see you smile again." I still taste the tears. I feel the claws of fear.

"I was and I am so afraid of being that afraid Maura. I thought I knew fear when Hoyt was lurking around in every corner but, not like this Maura. Not like this," I sit upright to look at her, "and I'm sorry Maura. I am the biggest coward, greatest blasted screw-up for thinking that if I could care for Casey, I'll stop loving you and fearing that I'll lose you. I thought I could fall out of love with you Maura. I thought I could but I still find myself dumping everything just to go to you. I love you so much Maura."

The fear settles a little, bubbling dangerously in my belly, but it settles.

"I'm Jane Clementine Rizzoli, youngest to have made detective of Boston Homicide. I've been shot at, bruised, stabbed at and literally the target of crazed serial killer Hoyt and delusional Dominic. Everything you said about me was right Maura. I can be detective Rizzoli, heart on the sleeves, tough and will stop at nothing till I get you cuffed and sentenced Rizzoli. I've been low before, Maura. I've been low, I've been hurt but never have I broke. Somehow or another I've always recovered, kept my senses about me and continued being detective Rizzoli." I reach for her hands.

She lets me.

"And then I met you. Then I met you Maura and everything changed for me. To think that we met with you offering me cash while I was dressed as a hooker though," I smile at the memory," I used to go to work to catch perps but now, I go to work each day to see you. Not that I don't take every other opportunity I can to be with you outside of work. The dirty robber and yes Maura, even yoga. Even yoga if it's what you want. Because with you, every moment becomes magical. I step into the precinct and I head straight to the elevator. I'll take the stairs if I have to. To the morgue. To your office. To you. I wake up each morning excited for work, excited to see you, "I smile, warm inside,"I go through each day hoping to bring a smile onto your face, hoping to make you laugh. To watch as your eyes come to life. I sit and watch as you do your autopsies, because you amaze me. Your genuine interest in the bodies makes you a little weird yes, but it's also what makes you adorably unique. I watch as you shift through undigested stomach contents as if it's Christmas morning. I love the way your eyes seem to widen a little, like a bulb lighting up inside you, before you smile whenever you get a chance to share a fact, to googlespeak. And I think to myself Maura, what I wouldn't give to keep you safe, to protect you, to always be able to make you smile. And it's nothing Maura. There's nothing I wouldn't give up. Well, except you. I won't give you up. I'll give my kidney to you if you asked me to and I'll die for you Maura, I'll take the bullet if it meant I can save you."

I run my thumb along the side of her face, tracing the wonder that is she.

"I'm sorry for not following through and admitting how I feel for you Maura. I let my fear of losing you, lose you. I told you I envy superheroes for their secret identities Maura but sometimes, even that's not enough. Look at batman. He lost Rachel. The joker caught on, and he knew. Hoyt caught on and he knew. He knew that to really break me, he had to hurt you. So I tried to change Maura. I tried to remain impassive, I tried to love you without showing it at first and then I did the dumbest thing, I tried to fall out of love with you instead. Now that I know that that's what those men were to you too Maura, I'm nothing but sorry. For causing you to put yourself through all that because this Rizzoli is too dense and cowardly. I'm sorry. I'm not a good best friend Maura, for dissing on all of them. I just got so jealous of them all Maura. That they won't be a danger to you, that they won't have with them the threat, the baggage of a boogeyman just waiting to jump you. I want to be with you Maura and I want to protect you Maura. I'm just not really sure how to do them both. I don't know if it's safe for me to love you." I don't know if I can ask it of you.

She runs her hand through my hair and leaves it at the back of my neck.

Five fingers holding me still, keeping me still.

"Ask me Jane," she looks at me, "asks it Jane."

Even if there's fear, even if there's pain, I will brave it for her.

"Will you Maura, let me love you? Let me be the one who holds your hand as we cross roads and walk streets? Let me love you, protect you and make you happy, the best I can?," I hold onto her hands, "Will you let me come to Africa with you Maura? I don't want to lose you."

"No Africa Jane, just you. I'm staying. I'm safe, with you," she holds our gaze steady, "let me love you, too. That's all I want from you."

I hold her as tightly as I possibly can.

"I love you Maura, thank you," I kiss the top of her head, "tomorrow, I'll get myself a mask and maybe a costume." You might be joking. She laughs a little.

"No Jane, I want you. Just you. Life's worth the risk, as long as I'm with you."

She holds me close to her.

"As I am with you," I close my eyes and lean on her, "I'm not afraid of being afraid anymore Maura. Being afraid means I care and if so, I do, for you," I lean into her, "I love you Maura, I do."

I can feel her smile against my temple.

* * *

**A/N: **Hi, if you're reading this, thank you! For braving 'To Africa without you' and for taking a chance on this. Thank you:)


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